I ddecided to name this something missing because I don’t even have any suitable name on my head right now. If you have a better topic please let me know.
Update: some parts are missing. And remember, I wrote this thing like 3 years ago. Thank you
Not crying or showing any life because I have aborted it. Like some cancer stones, I removed them from my body and no family member in my house or the country or even alive knew about what I did.
That I had killed my first child, not even my boyfriend knew I cheated on him and got pregnant and I felt used and disgusted.
I am getting better now because I am writing this book, I don’t even know whether I will make it go public but I have to. I have to tell someone I have to know someone is reading my story and I need to feel at peace that someone knows what I did.
How I was a prostitute. And I didn’t even collect one naira from him because I was free. I don’t even know who I was anymore.
Before I started writing this book I had to cut my hair. Maybe it’s a way of mourning. It should be a way of the mourning. Because in traditions here in Nigeria they cut the hairs of women who lost their husband .
And maybe because I had to do something for this baby. Which I never got to know. I had to throw his 3months prolife seed body into the toilet. It was then I knew. I can’t be saved. I didn’t even organize a proper burial. And now he is there in that soak away and nobody will know of it not the person trying to pack it when it’s full or anything. Except for me and you. We know of a child; born to be great that I wasted its life because I was young.
Maybe it’s me failing the prembbs is God’s punishment for what I did. I had no heart then I might not even have one now.
The only thing, he is concerned about is me coming to his house to have to do it . I will be honest with you that yeah the is my second and we don’t even talk like that again.
We don’t talk on WhatsApp we don’t call and when I go to his house he is all just concerned about sleeping with me like we haven’t been dating. There was a time I messaged him about how it’s not fair on my part going to his house when I want to see him.
Like I don’t see him apart from his house and church and he doesn’t even care about that. He is not concerned if I don’t chat him up in a week and all. And there was a time he was asking a girl out, a 15-year-old. I felt hurt. Like he expects me to be there waiting for him while he goes out to cheat. I don’t want that type of person in my life and I don’t certainly want to marry that type of person.
That he doesn’t want others to know we dating and stuff should have been a Red flag. And then he will be like it’s only loving that can sustain a relationship like who says that. And it’s coming from him so what do you wanna me to say.
Nothing. I am just here trying to feel loved and this guy is using me anyhow. Maybe that’s why I slept with that guy without a condom. Because I am already used so what’s the big deal. Well I do keep track of my period and that month when I slept with the guy. I didn’t keep track like other months and I became pregnant and it was sickening, i don’t want to bring a child into this world to suffer. I want my child to feel loved. To feel blessed and…
I will continue later
2021 edit: OMG. I can’t believe I said all these. These must have been the depressing.
I have nothing to say.
Maureen her olden self
Something missing something missing