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Dear delighted Diary 1: Suicide, fear and rage

Dear diary: suicide, grief and rage

Today started like any other day! 

Feeling weak to get up this morning 

I had a 10am class

but at 9:30 i wasnt even ready

Feeling so unmotivated to start the day

Maybe I knew inside myself that this would be a bad day

But I just feel better talking about it to something or someone !

And before I continue I just want to say that it’s ok to cry!

Cry as much as you want! Cry!

So this last few days I didn’t know that I had sadness building over me

Like my roommate graduated from high school the year I wrote my first medical exam and failed

And also I am like other than her and she is almost the same age with my junior brother who is in his 3rd year! Starch that in his 4th year about to graduate because right now they are in 20/21 section while I am in 21/22 section 

So you can see the difference 

And I was hearing all that I felt tightness in my chest

Like this couldn’t even be happening to me

And to sum everything up again she will definitely graduate before me

So what I am really doing with my life 

And before I went to sleep this after I decided not to be involved in her conversation and go back to my hostel

Because she had to visit a secondary school friend of hers

And I didn’t even want to be alone in my room with my dirty sheet so I decided to tag along

And that made me realized I have been sad for most part of my life

You see you can’t even be happy and have this kind of experience to go on living

I just told her that I had to go back to my hostel and at this point I felt my chest compressing

Like I am almost out of breath

Like I am loosing everything

Everything I had worked hard to built

My mental health that took me so much to achieve to start feeling happy again

To start having some sense in this life

That I felt I could live again

year 2 # suicide rage and grief

And to top it all up my former school results for Mbbs part one was released two days ago and seeing my mate progress in life while I am just here in one spot for most of my life

When my roommate graduated from high school I was in year 2 now she is in year 3I am still in year 2

This shouldn’t be how life should be

Life should be free and fair

And also seeing people enjoy their life to the fullest been what they want to be

Others were getting married

Them being so happy so joyful 

And here I am still in year 2for the 4th year 

Starting to look like I was cursed

that I would never be able to be anything in my life

This few days I haven’t been able to study because I was feeling down and broken inside

All these months I have been trying to be something 

To achieve a new height and then one day my whole world just came crumpling down after everything I had built

What then became the icing on the cake for me was when my secondary school friend that was in year 2 when I entered the university to study medicine just finished writing her final exams and waiting for her results before she could finally be a doctor 

And I am here still in year 2

dear diary: suicide rage and grief

Things should go well for me at least I deserve it

Like I have written a part of my abortion story that I can’t even bring my self to post 

Even when I know that I have tired all I could to get some traction on this blog but I just later gave up on everything and decided to turn it into my personal journal

I calculated everything; spent on this blog and it I can say it is almost reaching 50k

I don’t have a steady stream of income just money from my parent and the online side gigs I do like getting paid to follow people on Instagram and I get like 3 naira for every follow that I make 

will go back into it full time this week because right now I am broke and that’s also a major reasons for this break down

I am 24 with no income and been a burden to my parents and those around me and you expect me to live with a joyful heart lol

My Mates are working, earning something for themselves

And I know we shouldnt compare ourselves with others

but my parents have been doing it for a long time and I just felt other people yardsticks should be used to measure mine

I have been struggling to write a thousand word since but then since nobody reads why should I care

Anyways I turned on my phone and went to YouTube and was like watching random things and I clicked on this video that was titled strangers tell a secret that haven’t told anyone

And a woman came up and said she had a still born and she talked so gracious that I started crying.

From that 1 minute clip i knew she was a good woman and kept on working why bad things happen to good people

You could tell she loved that child and would have loved it

And I watched another clip where a woman did an abortion and couldn’t tell anyone like me

dear diary grief and suicide

But she did it at home

I had to take 6 injections

had to stuff 2 things up myself to get it removed

And I started talking about if God wanted to punish me and I may not have children When I needed them

And everyday I pray that He would give me the ability to love and care for the children He puts in my household

I then cried my self to sleep

With all this thoughts in my head and I could tell that I couldn’t even sleep comfortably 

So I wrote up and started wearing my shoes and clothes 

By that time my roommate was already around and she was asking me where I was going and what I was doing having just got up from sleep and I was like anywhere I am going anywhere

And there is this little bridge at my school that is in front of the new girls hostel and I just stayed there

Looking at the flow of water going downhill

And the pavements watching people go for sport activities and going to buy food And also coming back 

nobody could stop and ask me why I was standing there just staring at the water below not moving or anything

And for a split second I jumped in my thoughts 

If I could do this

Finish this

You see I don’t have the liver or the guts to do it

So I stood there!

Looking at people pass me by

Looking at people watching me and also staring at the water down below and I was like I can’t do it

The reason why I am still here is because the Bible talked about taking their own life and going to hell

I am sure I have mentioned something about that here before

And maybe I am afraid of the afterlife

What if I then do it and still be able to feel in the afterlife

What’s the use of all that ?

I just want to put this out there that suicide is not an option

james # suicide grief and rage

And i know it is mentally draining and in a place like Nigeria that there is no one to talk to

You and your thoughts alone in this world

And you can’t even tell your parents for fear of been criticized

And insulted 

There was a time my mom said she would blame victims of rape

So how do I tell her that her own daughter was also raped?

So who would they blame?

me?

suicide and rage and grief

And abused

I couldn’t simply can’t say that

Or tell anyone

And james said don’t go and be suicidal 

You are not alone

And I am seriously thankful for people like james to be honest

And I would forever be thankful for him

if you know you are in my shoes and in a better country pls seek help

I would do anything to find help

Do anything for someone to believe me

I came back to my hostel and I just removed my clothes like nothing happened 

You should not be alone

Call someone today!

The fact that I shouldn’t even be feeling this guilty make me want to blame myself even more

happy content # suicide and rage and grief

Ps: i am writing happy content I just felt down today because of other people success so I have deleted my Facebook and Instagram 

I have seen a case where my blog was been promoted I don’t know who that person is but I really appreciate you! You are enough. I think I have mentioned it before but I will say it again that I am grateful!

Follow my Facebook and Twitter handles

I think I should give my self a new challenge 

Be able to get to 400 Lvl

I don’t know what I will get myself if I am able to live to that period

But we would see how things go

Ciao your favorite online girl diary

Mauren 

Like I said earlier it’s ohk to cry

You are strong and brave but sometimes you need to let it all out

The tears I was avoiding for the past one months I cried it today

And I have felt a huge weight been lifted off

suicide rage and grief

Signing out with peace

Ciao

Baby girl

Something missing

entertainment niche and why people are obsessed 

Watching paranormal activity at night

Happy new year 2022

Finding my niche was important

Suicide

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