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april 2020: the first complicated story from the past

the past

;;;April 24 2020

The only thing he is concerned about is me coming to his house to have s,x. I will be honest with you that yeah; this is my first and we don’t even talk like that again. We do not talk on WhatsApp we don’t call and when I go to his house, he is all just concerned about sleeping with me like we haven’t been dating. There was a time; we talked about how it’s not fair on my part going to his house when I wanted to see him. Like I don’t see him apart from his house and church and he doesn’t even care about that. He is not concerned if I don’t chat him up in a week and all.

# the past

 And there was a time he was asking a girl out, a 15 year old. I felt hurt. Like he expect me to be there waiting for him while he goes out to cheat

Side note (2022): why was I writing about been hurt

when he is literally been with an uderage girl who probably hasnt even finished school?

I don’t want that type of person in my life and I don’t certainly want to marry that type of person. That the doesn’t want others to know we dating and stuff. And then he will be like it’s only love that can sustain a relationship like who says that. And it’s coming from that bastard so what do you want me to say? Nothing. I am just here trying to feel loved and this guy is using me anyhow. Maybe thats why I slept with that guy without condom. Because I was already used to it so what’s the big deal.

I don’t want to bring a child into this world to suffer I want my child to feel loved. To feel blessed and I want them to feel happiness. So as not come from a broken home with only the mom. I want them to feel loved and i tot about all of this when I was pregnant. Do I want to put my life on hold when I give birth. The answer is no. I don’t so I had to remove it. Anyways back to the second guy. Yeah he Is the guy I don’t want to date but he is trying. I agreed to date him and now he is still trying. Calling me everyday asking how my day went. But this guy is a little jealous and all but I get it. I may not be beautiful and all but I certainly know I am fine

the past

(2022 update: period I now know I am beautiful and wouldn’t certainly settle for less. That might be the only growth I did but I did know now that I am beautiful)

… And the first guy, I have tried to get rid of him but he is already even gotten rid of. There was a time I blocked him and he didn’t stop my phone and it was kinda depressing but I just wish he would leave me alone. I just wish everybody would leave me alone.

Even the medicine I am studying I don’t want it again.

2022 edit: did I really say this? Well to be honest; I really haven’t talked about this before. I got a change to study medicine at bayelsa state; then in another thought I was like nah I am done with all this. You know I am starting from 100lvl here so it makes no difference but I was done done with medicine and stuff)

 Its just that my parents are planning my life out for me without asking if that is what I really want and all. I don’t even know what I want to be. I have just lost hope in everything. Having a boyfriend who just want you for sex. Having parents who think they have planned your life, having siblings who practically hates me. what’s there to live for. I know. Maybe God has a plan for me. But what exactly is the plan. I have not retaining anything I am reading so what is going on. I just failed a major exam I have. Practically it’s suppose to be the end of the road but I am still hear trying to get by. 

Update: you know when God has a plan everything will fall into place right. Well its beginning too for me. I might be old now but certainly not dead and at this period I felt no one loves me

Habakkuk 2 vs 3

Signing out maureen

the past

Thanks for listening and reading

Something missing

entertainment niche and why people are obsessed 

Watching paranormal activity at night

Happy new year 2022

Finding my niche was important

The past

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